Making friends at the Russian Bathhouse.

I'm starting a new game called "Moscow or Wicker Park?" Photo by Jeremy Nicholl.

Through years of walking past the Division Street Bathhouse it never once crossed my mind to stop for a visit. I followed the pop-culture notion of bathhouses being gay hook-up spots and didn't give the place a second thought.

This past weekend an acquaintance suggested meeting his buddies for a few hours in the steam room; I was intrigued and agreed. We didn't discuss specifics; just meet up Sunday morning. Always one to be prepared, I googled it and read up.

Here's a little of what I found:

"I've been frequenting this place for about ten years now and I think this place is awesome. It's the last haven for men to be away from their wives/girlfriends and all the other annoyances in their lives.

This is the ideal place to go with your buddies to sweat out the remnants of a hard night's drinking and afterwords to enjoy a fine cigar and a good breakfast." - Vito R., via Yelp!

Regular BTSIC readers will no doubt appreciate this sentiment. We happened to be in these exact circumstances on Sunday morning.

The atmosphere of the Russian bath is an unmistakable Neanderthal manliness. Everyone comments on it, from Saul Bellows:

"Things are very elementary here. You feel that these people are almost conscious of obsolescence, of a line of evolution abandoned by nature and culture. So down in the super-heated subcellars all these Slavonic cavemen and wood demons with hanging laps of fat and legs of stone and lichen boil themselves and splash ice water on their heads by the bucket."

To a self-conscious New City writer describing his first visit.

There are two features at the Russian bath. The first is a dark little sauna room where naked men sit stoically in a superheated cloud of steam. The second is a deep pool of cold water, which to submerge yourself in after reaching your limit in the steam room. Going from one to the other, your body and organs are kneaded and wrung dry of all impurities.

After hours of being wrung like a sponge by the repeated steam and icy water, you will emerge onto the street a newborn. It's like a physiological "reset" button has been pressed. My friend said he could smell garlic from two days ago oozing from his pores. I smelled for whiskey in the sweat dripping from every part of my body. It's rare to experience this kind of total purge. Stress, toxins, and filth are all flushed down the drains of the sweltering pit.

This is what I learned at the bathhouse:

• Bring shower shoes. I'm not usually uptight about hygiene, but it seemed like most people had them.
  
• Nudity isn't a big deal either way. There are dudes standing around with their junk hanging out, and there are guys with shorts on. No one seems to care.
• You'll want two towels, one to sit on and one to soak in water and wrap around your head.
  
• Keep the door shut in the steam room or people will shout at you.
• The more of a brutish badass you are, the less you talk in the steam room. Skinny yuppies chatter on to each other while Russian guys whose ancestors killed things with hammers sit like columns of stone.
  
• Dumping a bucket of cold water over your head after twenty minutes of face-melting steam is one of the best feelings ever.

Next time you have a hard week or a wild weekend, check out the Division Street Bathhouse for an old Chicago experience. BYO fish and vodka.

36 chambers of espresso.

Photo by confusedbee.

This coffee drink called "Liquid Swords" appeared at the Great Lakes Regional Barista Competition this weekend.

Weekend Round-up: Get loose.

Like it was Obama day! Photo by Morgan

Hell yes it's finally Friday night. Time to grab a few Polish beers from the corner store and get properly lit before embarking on a weekend of awesome.

Friday

Karaoke at Relax on Milwaukee. It's annoying the other Relax exists at all. It cost thirteen extra keystrokes every time I talk about the one with free popcorn and hits from the 90s.

The Viking and Morgan opening at Novem. Check out some t-shirts while you're at it.

Saturday

Chicago Bar Project pub crawl. Like our pub crawls, but with transportation, tickets, drinking on the bus, stops at John Barleycorn, and no handlebar rides...Ok, it's nothing like our pub crawls.

Cog Magazine launch party. If track bikes on the street are your thing, be here.

Myopenbar.com birthday party. You know, the polite young writers I interviewed this week.

"Teenage Tits" is one of those band names like Free Beer that doesn't require selling.

Hilariously, I just learned Pabst has pulled their sponsorship of this show because of the name name Teenage Tits. Ironic, because Teenage Tits is now the opposite of Free Beer.

Sunday

Forkable Dinner Club (If it hasn't sold out!)

When beer alone won't do: Pub games.

Shuffleboard noir, photo by beebo wallace.

I've been obsessing about bar games. It started last weekend when we hit up a neighborhood dive called "Sportska"(I think...the only words on the Oldstyle sign are "On tap" and the heart-of-gold bartender had a wicked Eastern Bloc accent so I caught ever third word).

The part requiring no description was a Strike Master bowling game in the corner. There was nothing digital on that baby, just polished chrome, a wooden lane, light-up plastic and a heavy steel puck. Add a little salt to the lane and it provided four-player action while we killed obscenely cheap rounds of Oldstyle.

A purer form of the Strike Master is traditional shuffleboard. Weegee's is the only place I can think of with a table, but there have to be more of them tucked away in neighborhood taverns. There's a unforgiving learning curve, putting shuffleboard in the league of pool for displays of bar-room prowess.


Photo by Marco Antonio 1976

Speaking of pool, prince of idle pastimes, Goldstar is my favorite place to watch highly competitive games play out. "Watch" is operative for me because I'm probably the worst pool player you'll ever meet, zero exaggeration. Goldstar is a humbling place to realize this due to the fast-paced play and chalkboard full of waiting challengers. If you've got what it takes, you'll enjoy it.

Cog Magazine party in Chicago.

photo by pete_d.

"COG is a visual journal captured from behind the bars of city bikers and messengers around the world.

Our staff and international contributors have ridden for years and logged thousands of miles through city traffic all around the world. We don’t plan on stopping anytime soon...hard charging, ducking and weaving, fast forward. One cog, one mind."

—Peter DiAntoni, Editor – COG Magazine

Cog Magazine of Milwaukee, known for jaw-dropping urban bike photos, are celebrating their one-year anniversary in Chicago this weekend. They have a new book for sale, filled with fixed-gear money shots.

Cog is giving away swag from their sponsors and showing four hundred and forty-eight square feet of photographs and art from their magazine. The show is one day only, so expect to see the full cast of Chicago bike scenesters in action.

Myopenbar Chicago: writing from the shark cage.

Image by Hope Gangloff.

" Our bell curve has really dangerous sociopaths."

Myopenbar Chicago started as a directory of bars with free drinks, but the content has taken on a life of its own. The descriptions are funny enough without a drop of the promised libations.

The writers are vulgar, snarky, and teeter on the brink of good taste. They target the "young urban alcoholic" demographic with scalpel precision.

I met a few of the creative masterminds and discussed how they survive the no-punches-pulled quest for free booze.

I know New York(where Myopenbar.com began) and other cities actually have "open bars", with free alcohol. Does Chicago have them?

Alan S - Yeah. They're under the radar, I mean, since it's illegal.

Garin P - The Illinois liquor laws makes them call it a "hosted bar" or "private party". Last year we wrote about an "open bar" at this wine tasting at a bar, and the feds came and we got in a lot of trouble.

Adam K - It's illegal but there are ways around it if you word it properly, so yes, there are.

You have lawyers?

AS - We do! We only ever hear about them when we get in trouble, but there are lawyers. I think we have one lawyer. If your want to put it on the blog, say we have a fleet of well-trained lawyers.

AK - They are powerful lawyers. They help us in a crisis.

What are the most awkward situations you've set other people up for?

AS - I was blown away by the yuppie party at Hydrate this week. I want to go to that, man. There are going to be people there, right around eight, nine o'clock, and there's gonna be a whole different world that filters in. That is going to be amazing.

It's a leather show.

AS - Well, yeah but it's by the Red Cross, it's a "come meet other single yuppies" party, they're not promoting it as [a fetish-wear show] at all.

Like leather daddies!

AS - Yeah, I think that's what's going on in the fashion show.

But if you're in sales, and and you want to meet some other people in finance or something, you're going to be like "Oh sweet I'm gonna go to this thing, it's gonna be cool, a leather fashion show, maybe some jackets, I don't know, vests? " They don't know what's coming man, they have no idea what's going to hit them!

GP - In my gmail, because of that, I had some ads pop up for "leather whips dot com".

AK - From the other way you get these "artistic events" and if there's eight degenerates waiting outside who just ignore everyone and go to the bar and stay there until it's closed, and then leave, that would be our readers.

GP - When we go to some of the open bars we're just there for the booze, we don't even know what it's for. We're just double-fisting.

You write extremely non-PC stuff. Do you get in trouble for any of it?

GP - There's one thing we should probably talk about. So for the inauguration events, we wrote something really offensive and people thought it was racist and we got a lot of hate mail, and the people in New York yelled at us a little, so now we can't make any ethnic jokes any more. That was a judgment call.

AS - Yeah, it's a drag. The ethnic jokes are funny, but the whole demographic that we have is uptight liberal hipsters.

GP- The joke was about Obama and gold rims, that didn't fly very well. Look at his limo he's got this thing...

AS- He's got the most ballin' ride there is!

AK - He's got the most intimidating black Cadillac.

GP- He should be on "Pimp my Ride".

AK - This was just utterly lost on some people who took offense. I think it was mostly over-sensitive white people.

Do you get hate mail from the other mean stuff?

AK - We do get the occasional email, "I'm a fan of Myopenbar, but this was low, even for you." It's like they all of the sudden get serious.

Like what?

AS - We're not really attacking core values.

AK - You touch Obama and you get shot. That's one thing we learned the hard way. [Our readers] don't care about raping children or making fun of anyone else, but you touch Obama, and you're white, you get the big angry slap.

AS - I love him.

AK - You're talking to a group of writers who all voted for him. I almost feel like he's our guy. I think he's a funny guy. When someone told him that Bill Clinton was the first Black president, he was like "Well, if Bill's gonna be black I'd have to see him play basketball, and see some other stuff on him." He clearly has a very good, dry sense of humor.

Have you ever met your readers at events?

GP - There are a lot of people we recognize.

AS - There was this guy who punch a window at some event, it was crazy. He had...blood everywhere.

The guy was nuts. We had seen him at a couple of events and he put his fist through something that just cut it to shreds. I was in the bathroom and he came stumbling in.

I thought the guy had got shot!

And he's like "No, it's totally cool!" and I was like, "no, you should go to a hospital, I can see the muscles in your hand." And he's picking glass shards out.

GP- We have some freakish fans out there.

You cater to degenerates.

AK - Every bell-curve has it's fringe, and we're already on the dangerous fringe at our bell-curves center. Our bell curve has really dangerous sociopaths.

It's like feeding sharks!

GP- There are some people who can't separate fantasy from reality.

What are the fringe benefits?

GP - People want to talk to us and boost our egos!

AS - My friends always ask what's going on on the weekend, and I don't really know because I don't read the newsletter...

GP- They're like "What's going on?", I'm like "I don't know, read the website!"

AK- It's the middle of the winter, I'm not doing anything. I have a liter of vodka in the freezer. I'm going home. My open bar is MY bar!

But you do go to some of the things you write up?

AS - Oh yeah, I've been at Cold Sweat [laughs] for so long I don't want it to be on tape! That's my pre-game stop, man.

AK- It works the other way too, we go to something that's good and we write it up.

AS - For a while I was going to Angels and Kings, that's my friend's bar, I was there singing Prince, that was me on stage doing that.

You guys write for a specific demographic. That's the thing that impresses me. You hit that demographic and it's like done, you captured it. But you were saying before, you may need to get a wider audience?

AS - Being a hipster sucks now. It's seventeen-year-old kids in the basement of this place. Maybe it's still glamorous in New York, where the main office is, but here, it's seventeen-year-old cheerleaders in dayglo spandex.

Fuck those kids, man. They have too much money. I hate seeing clean shoes in winter. I was at Sub-T and this person came in with blinding Chucks on, and it's like"Man, those better be new cause if there not, fuck you, asshole!"

Being a hipster is uncool. It's not even uncool in a passe kind of way.

GP - [laughing] Fuck hipsters!

AS - It's not even that I'm trying to do a Vice Magazine "it's passe" kind of thing, it's kids from Wheaton with upside-down visors, fuck them, I don't want to be associated with that.

AK- We've always teased them, but I think now we realize we hate them.

AS- It's full-on class warfare these days at the Myopenbar office [laughing].

AK- I think were just reflecting there whole angry tone on the recession/depression. It's not just fun anymore, we really do hate most of you. It's not just funny, you actually suck!

It doesn't matter who you are, If you can drink for cheap or free, it's good. It's really a wide demographic, it's not going to go away.

AK- It's going to increase.

AS - We'll be drinking PBR and roasting potatoes around campfires in the middle of Milwaukee and Damen.

Thanks guys!

If you liked this interview, subscribe to Myopenbar's weekly newsletter and find the cheap and free deals around town.

Questions my beard can answer.

"The power to lift heavy objects… and the human spirit."

You may have read about Eamon Daly, who is causing quite a sensation by lifting objects with his impressively stout beard. Based on past enthusiasm for facial hair and Eamon's charitable mission, I decided to ask him a few questions.

Readers of BTSIC have remarked on their physical attraction to bearded gentlemen. Was this a consideration in the cultivation of your facial hair?

A wise man once told me that you can't choose to have a beard: you can only choose not to shave. I'm fortunate to have a wife who's been willing to stand by my side during the early days of uncertainty and help me let my inner beard out, consequences be damned.

Do you consider yourself a pioneer in this feat, and if you have predecessors, will you name them?

I stand on the shoulders of giants: Robert Redford and Paul Rudd were obviously huge influences, but I think I owe it all to my father. He is a proudly hairy man.

I noticed your readers are particularly enamored with chicken lifting. Will you consider lifting a chicken during this event?

I would prefer to avoid live animals, but as long as it's something that remains relatively still during the lift, I think don't think anything's off the table. Basically, I'm looking for the height of ridiculosity.

How did you chose OSTC as the charity to benefit from your lifting antics?

I've actually raised funds for them in the past through Mustaches for Kids, and I've always been a fan of their efforts. Any organization that's been around since 1900 is something special, and I'm hoping ThingsMyBeardCanLift.com can help them in some small way as they continue another century of helping Chicago's kids.

That's all for now!

My pleasure! Thanks for the questions!

Ms. Bea Haven: must-see striptease.

Burlesque: where puns and twirling pasties make good bedfellows.

For those who like their burlesque dripping with raunch, I give you: Ms. Bea Haven.

We watched her Girlie-Q collaboration Lonely Hearts Club, drank too many cocktails and took a lot of photos. They're not safe for a family-oriented blog like BTSIC, but I've included a taste of the action for our adventurous readers.


Well, hello!


Sioux Sinner: just like unwrapping a Christmas present!

Burlesque is hot, campy and sultry, but Ms. Bea adds gender-bending, sexually challenging acts to the mix. You will see women of many shapes and sizes who flirt and swagger outside traditional sex roles. There's a good dose of strange in Bea's cast.


Bachelorette number two, Hermaphrysterio!

Straight audiences bored with vanilla strip tease will not be disappointed.

Suckers for kitschy retro entertainment will enjoy the Pin-ups and the Revelettes, neither adult-themed but both talented eye-candy.


The totally crush-worthy Pin-ups.


The Revelettes, go-go superheros from your dreams.

If you like burlesque and you're not boring, check out a queer show. It's funnier, dirtier, and the main course is still mams and gams!

All photos by Andrew Golding.

Weekend Round-up: With added sugar.

In honor of Darwin's b-day, and obligatorily, V-day. Photo by absenter.

If you didn't plan for Valentines day, it's too late to start now.

I'm assuming you're in one of two camps: You had a glorious week of faux-spring warmth, or you blew your soul out your nose into an ever-increasing pile of Kleenex. Either way, you're done with the work week and ready to live life on your terms.

Friday

Chicago Train Art show @ A.Okay

Bike Winter Art Show - Thought You Knew Us(the website finally works) release party. After a couple teases, the pin-up calendar is finally here.

Deadman is playing the Bottom Lounge.

Dances With White Girls @ Sonotheque. I've got three separate invites to this but I just imagine Kevin Costner as a DJ.

Ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah: stabbing fans, rejoice.

Saturday

Have a romantic date somewhere, or cry into a bottle of vodka by yourself. Alternately, check out Fucked Up at the AV-Aerie.

Also, drag queens...

Sunday


Monotonix, photographed by ryan muir.

Monotonix @ The Hideout As demonstrated by the late '70s, fear of destruction by missile makes great punk music.

"Monotonix are so fucking gonzo. They kind of scare me." - Ben VC.

Left Field: The most fun you'll have watching kickball.

Hideout Fighting Cocks, photo by starart.

If you don't spend your summers rousing rabble in Humboldt Park, get up to speed with this trailer.

There's good news this week for everyone awaiting the Left Field movie screening: You can now preorder your tickets online. The much-anticipated event will be Feb. 26th(two weeks from today) at the Portage Theater.

Make sure you look at the great posters on the Facebook page.

Rejoining The Human Race.

Photo by Joe M500

I believe in waking up each day and taking stock of all the things you are thankful for. This is doubly true today, when I've been sick enough to stay inside for 48 hours straight and am finally about to get up and go to work. I'm so dehydrated that my piss looks like orange juice, and I'm hacking up chunks of mucus in the shower, but it feels awesome to get up and walk around, take my dog for a walk (my girlfriend is excited about this too), and get back into the routine.  

The regular programing will resume shortly!

Choose Your Own Adventure Monday.

Photo by EricM9104.

Write your own post Monday?

BTSIC is a one-man operation, so when I'm too sick to crack an eyelid, blog posting is lost in the swirling sea of cold medicine and sinus headaches.

I was going to post about a religious experience I had with a plate of barbecue on Saturday, discuss accessories for Eurofying your commuter bike at Boulevard Bikes, and cover the Tour Da Chicago race results.

There was also the option of riding to the International Motorcycle Show, but all of these options ended up at the bottom of a bottle of NyQuil.

Weekend Round-up: Winter represent.

Photo by Clayton Hauck (everyoneisfamous.com)

Update: I've never been so happy to be wrong in a post! Woohoo Springtime is here! (for a few days.)

The groundhog has sold us down the river and the icy grip persists. At this point appropriate weekend plans include a couch, snuggie, bottle of vodka, and some TV to catch up with.

Friday

If you enjoyed the pin-up post, now you can meet the calendar girls. Green Eye, from 6-9 pm.

Spacemodular suggests the Critical Mass art show(ouch, that website again).

Stuck in the West Loop? If you have a low self-esteem and love free vodka, Visit Bon V after 9pm.

Rumor has it the displaced Windy City Soul Club will make an impromptu appearance at Club Foot tonight!

Saturday

The International Motorcycle Show is all weekend, but if you live in the city, take a free-beer bus out to Rosemont and check it out.

El Circo Cheapo is probably sold out because they are superstars.


Lykke Li, Photo Clayton Hauck.

Lykke Li is playing at the Metro.

Sunday

Tour Da Chicago - Skillet Scrambler. Not sure about this one. I love eggs and bikes, but hate waking up early.

Beer-gut Casanovas: free beer and brats while you pick out sexy underwear at Isabella.

Post suggestions in the comments and I'll add them to the list.

Sweet Spots: The Whistler.

A Diablo in a fairer season (click for ingredients). Photo by jenny_p.

Fans of expert mixology, stalk this place until it gets a restraining order.

While some will call it a "poor man's Violet Hour", The Whistler is one of the most satisfying new bars I've visited all year. The outside looks like an art gallery or a day-care. The inside looks like an art gallery or a Fossil Watch ad.

Centerstage calls it "hip but not quite hipster."

Citysearch assures us "The young and fetching congregate here."

TimeOut insightfully notes "if you’re thinking of the Whistler as simply a bar, you’re kind of missing the point."

Metromix quips "Despite...an appealing cocktail menu...nearly everyone here is still drinking PBR.", which if true is sacrilegious.

The drinks are in the neighborhood of eight bucks and you'll feel as though the bartender is making a special secret for your mouth. Yelp reviewers complain about the speed because they are philistines. If you enjoy cocktails for their purest sensual qualities, you will not be disappointed. If you see them as a road to an over-priced casual encounter, I can suggest bars with better value.

Edit: The Whistler is more than meets the eye- read here about their record label.

Chicago (Winter) Cycling Chic

Photo by Chris Brunn.

After Monday's post about Copenhagen-versus-Chicago cycling style, I was excited to hear from Mikael Colville-Andersen, main contributor to Copenhagen Cycle Chic.

"While we in Copenhagen may be a tad more fashion-conscious than elsewhere, it must be said that there are 100 million daily cyclists in Europe. From the icy wastes of Northern Norway and Sweden to the balmy reaches of southern Spain.

The vast majority of these 100 million cyclists don't wear 'cycling shoes' or use any form of 'gear'.

They just get on with it. In order to encourage more 'newbies' in your neck of the woods, it may be a better idea to highlight the fact in order to cycle, all you need is a bicycle. That's it.

All this overcomplicating a rather simple issue doesn't sell cycling as the feasible, effortless transport option it is in the rest of the world. " - Mikael

While I admire this philosophy, my immediate response was how much colder it is in Chicago than Copenhagen, and explain why we need different attire for the harsh climate.

"I encourage cyclists to take your lifestyle advice. Far to many cite fashion as a reason not to ride.

Our Midwestern climate, however, is extreme and requires some practical care when dressing.

Example: I rode four miles to work this morning in 5F weather. Your Jan 29th post, "Brrrr", depicts two fetching women cycling on a -3C (26F) day. We dream of those days in Chicago!" -Ira

My reaction could be defensive rather than logical, so I did some homework.

What is the real difference between Chicago and Copenhagen cycling environments? Wikipedia says winter temperatures in Chicago are 6 to 10 degrees F (4-6 degrees C) colder than Copenhagen. This doesn't seem like a good enough reason for us to look like potatoes in florescent yellow garbage bags, while CCC is full of beautiful women with the flush of cold in their cheeks!

Why do Chicago riders gear-up before "getting on with it"?

Here are a few points for discussion:

• Precipitation (and the removal thereof) - Chicago gets more than twice the snow. While lovely for a few hours, it quickly becomes hellacious black slush. The city doesn't plow bike lanes, and sprinkles on a liberal coating of salt. We reflexively don waterproof jackets, trousers, and shoe covers, or carry our work clothes in sealed bags.
  

Compare this to the picture above. Photo by Zackaliciousness.

• Palette - Ignore the style of bicycle, and you could transpose most riders between cities. Copenhagen and Chicago have similar colors and materials in our architecture (based on photos, could someone back me up on this?) There is a general sophistication of fashion in both towns, and both are cold, northern metropolises. If the styles translate, is there a logical reason not to try it?
  

• Population - 36% of Copenhageners commute by bicycle, compared to 1% of Chicagoans. Because cycle commuters are a minority, they often fancy themselves rugged individuals (The American way!). Couriers are the epitome of this attitude, and many commuters copy their utilitarian style: fixed-gear bikes, clipless shoes, cut-off pants, and keys strapped to forearms. Like messengers, adopters of the gear want to ride fast.
  

Not everyone with a messenger bag looks this good, however. Photo by Luke.

What's your opinion? I'm torn on this topic. I love the Copenhagen commuter look, but I'm not sure if it could translate to Chicago streets. Are we talking about two valid approaches? Is US cycling culture in a crippling stage of immaturity? Is the European approach lacking the wild-west hardiness Chicago riders flaunt?
______________________________

CanadaGoose

Double dose of bacon.

Photo D. Majette.

Dude, my brain knows bacon is sooo last year, but my taste buds ain't hearing it. Here are two for arteries:

1. Chicago Gluttons shock and awe with a log of cured pork panacea(above). This new foodie street-drug goes by the name "Bacon Explosion".

2. I can't find the review for the life of me, but a recent tribute to the Bridgeport Bakery has me hankering to head South. Sources report they sell buns full of bacon for under a buck!

From the comments:

"Bridgeport bakery's bacon bites are a subject very near and dear to my heart. Two of those and a coke is a gluttonous lunch and it's still cheaper than a bus fare.

It is best to order ahead, because some mornings they run out of bacon bites by 8:30. The cost is $0.85, and while you are at it order yourself some kugelis and ham and cheese croissants and some paczkis for paczki day." - Evan F.

Euro fashion for the frozen of toe.

Chicago bike hipsters: Step your game up. Via Zakkaliciousness.

My post about the cycling pin-up calendar earned a suggestion to check out Copenhagen Cycle Chic, which is about looking ten times better than I ever will on a bicycle.

At first blush it looks like some foppish nonsense, although easy on the eyes. Sheesh, it even comes with a manifesto straight out of Cosmo.

First reaction: let these European dandies face one face freezing, black slush spraying, salt encrusted Chicago winter with their tweed intact!

The truth, however, is they have everything figured out.


Form-fitting jackets? Check. Jaunty scarves? Check. Air of self-satisfied superiority? Check! Via Zakkaliciousness.

The CCC photos line up neatly with my own plan for riding the Midwestern tundra.

1. Wear thin wool layers. Wool is sophisticated and nature's ultimate winter material. Sweat it up and it won't stink, wear it to a bar and you won't look like a spandex superhero.
2. Pony up for a European-cut, windproof shell. The hardest paradigm shift for rookie cyclists is understanding that warm doesn't equal bulk.
3. Cover your face. I opt for a practical balaclava, but show your fine tastes and wear cashmere or something.
4. Don't get cold hands. This is the difference between "smug and satisfied" and "hating life". Wear ski mittens and the thinnest liner gloves underneath.
5. Ditto on the feet. If you use a clipless system, get cycling boots (sure to horrify chic cyclists, but oh well), otherwise use block pedals and serious winter boots.
6. Fenders. There's a reason they come stock on every bicycle sold outside the U.S.
   

   "Sure, I was able to both stop and maintain a high degree of dryness, but I totally ruined my bike's "clean lines" and subtracted fistfuls of points from my already minimal "street cred" - Bike Snob NYC

   Little do you know, Bike Snob. The real hipsters have adopted fenders centruies ago!